The Silver Lining

Senior Panorama Picture

They’re like a birthday— don’t come very often, are supposed to be very happy and joyous celebratory events, but make you realize something that’s very depressing, very disappointing.

Sure, like a birthday, it’s a reminder that we’re all getting older, that our time has run out (figuratively speaking), that we’re moving on and that we better get ready for change.

But it’s also a slap in the face of how alone I am. Such a huge class, and I could not find anyone I could connect to. Everyone bundles up into their color coded clicks, others mass together or partner up. And I am colorless, clique-less. I sit alone in a crowd of 800.

The question is, have I brought it upon myself? Have I isolated myself to the point where I can no longer associate with any group? Have I scared away, pushed aside those who try to bring me closer?

Loneliness, it’s been a constant for as long as I can remember. I could try blaming others, but for what? I must have put myself in this position. I must have done so many wrong things, made so many stupid mistakes.

In middle school, I acted up. I was not a good kid. I was always the rabble rouser, the annoying kid in the corner. I wanted to make my mark, in any way I could. I wanted to fit in somewhere, anywhere, just as long as I could fit in. I thought I could find a niche by standing out, by making my environment interesting. But I always spent my lunchtimes alone. I was surrounded by people, but I didn’t click into place. I didn’t lead, and they didn’t want me to follow. So many different groups that I just didn’t find my place. What a stupid kid I was. What a stupid kid I am.

In the 9th grade, I fell into a hole. A terrible, dark, lonely gutter. I cut myself— 36 scars. Was I looking for pity? I mean, isn’t that what I was looking for? Some kind of attention, maybe a sign that somebody really loved me. It seemed as if that first summer going into high school, everyone had already met. First Ave, Foothills, Dana students, they all knew each other, and I had missed the memo somehow. I knew people, but I didn’t really know them. I was alone, again, and I didn’t know how to change it. What a bad start.

And to think that it would get better. It never gets better. I never really had a social life. But we’re in high school, the time for socializing was getting narrower and tighter, less time to actually connect to people. Every time a tiny window would open in front of me, I had to turn it down, because of studies, because of class, because of cramming for tests, because of AP or SAT exams, because of concerts, because of homework, because of rehearsal, because my parents didn’t trust me.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t surrounded by people— I made sure that I was surrounded by people. I tried to win their love, earn their respect, gain their trust, tried to make them laugh, listen to them when they were sad, give them praise, offer advice. But nobody really every needs it, not from me at least.

There was a time when I wasn’t alone, a great time, but even then I wasn’t alone by default. I gave my heart out, but it wasn’t enough. I tried my best, knowing my best wasn’t enough, just my best. But when you run a race with all your strength and ability and lose… then you know you’re a real loser. It’s the worst when they know you’re a loser, too.

In retrospect… retrospect? It’s a funny thought, because there is nothing I can really look back at and really pride myself on. I worked hard, hoping that I would amount to something, that maybe being alone would be worthwhile. I self studied AP courses, earned eight 5’s and a 4. I aced my SAT Math IIC, Biology, Chemistry, and Physics. I practiced the violin every day and passed the Certificate of Merit Advanced Level with honors, became the Concertmaster of the Pasadena Young Musicians Orchestra. I was the coordinator for the Golden Notes, took time out of my life to perform music for senior homes. I volunteered at the hospital. I became was elected the treasurer, then the vice president of Key Club. I joined the Speech and Debate team. I made Senior Men and Women. I worked at Rosetta Pharmaceutical Laboratory in Taipei doing pharmaceutical research one summer, Loma Linda University Microbiology Laboratory doing leukemia cell research another summer, working on my college essays during the latter.

I applied to colleges, got into UC Irvine with Regents, UC Davis, UC San Diego, UCLA, UC Berkeley, Boston University, University of Pittsburgh with a full ride, Case Western Reserve University with $80,000, USC with $80,000 and the straight pharmacy program. Pitzer College, Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, and the University of Cincinnati all accepted me for their Straight Med programs. I know now that my dream of becoming a doctor will become true.

And here I am, thinking about these past 17 years, wondering how much I missed out. Was it worth being alone? Was it my fault? Why don’t I feel like I accomplished anything?

I have never truly enjoyed a single day of school since the end of the second grade, at least not enjoyed an entire single day, not passed a single day without feeling alone. Now I’ll be leaving the state for the next 8 years. And I’m not going to be missed. I never did find my place here. Good bye, class of 2011. I’ll make sure the door doesn’t hit my ass on the way out.